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I’ve gotten better at not panicking lately, but this week I’m slipping. I’m so scared of what is or could happen to me. I don’t know how to think anymore. Lost again of course. People pass judgement way too easily and I wish they would cut it out because there is only so much one person can take. I do my best to not really care what people are saying or at least act like I don’t care, but I really do. You tend to worry about these things when you are a girl. And you tend to worry and think about the idea that maybe the friends you think you have aren’t really friends at all. They really are not the ones who will comfort or tell you things will be okay. It’s a scary thing to start believing in all the things people are saying or to have your mind suddenly flip upside down because a “friend” of yours is making you feel worthless, making you feel like you deserve comfort. And of course you begin to feel as if its true. I really don’t deserve to be happy. 

I was suspended from work for more than a week, I lost car insurance, I lost my home, and my drive for education is weakening. I’m so scared about what the future will bring me that I won’t go see a counselor, I won’t pester my dad for financial aid, I won’t really look for a job. I’m just coasting by. I’m so scared that everything I’ve worked for will be gone. That I will constantly lose myself. I’m constantly watching every step I make. I’m too scared to go for what I really want. 

I created this five year plan and when I did I was ready to initiate it, but on that day everything went spiraling down. Life is very good about never giving me a break. I don’t know where to go from here. I really don’t. I was just looking for comfort, instead I just keep getting slapped in the face. I don’t need anymore reality checks. I understand. I’ve been understanding for a while now. I need peace of mind.